he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
