Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
