I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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