woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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