This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
