I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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