Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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