Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
