my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
