I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
