Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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