But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
