i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
