I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
