i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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