So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
