I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
