could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
