Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
