I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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