Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
