what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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