I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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