Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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