We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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