When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
