here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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