last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
