The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I don't want my vagina anymore.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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