I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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