I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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