my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
