you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
