Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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