I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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