mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
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Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
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Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
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