Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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