apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
