whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
