Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
