Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
