were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
