I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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