I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
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I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
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