Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Boobs speak an international language.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
