We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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