You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
