Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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