I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
