Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize