I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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