Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
