I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I need to stop coming to work sober
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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