he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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