I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
