Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Is Oprah even human
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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