If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
